ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE

-- It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

-- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

-- No one is listening until you fart.

-- Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

-- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

-- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

-- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-- Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

-- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

-- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

-- Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

-- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

-- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.